you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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