Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Found your dick twin last night
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
