Little spoons don't ask big questions
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize