and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
