He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
