Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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