he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
