life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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