Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
