Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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