I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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