Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
