Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
