Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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