party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
