I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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