There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
