I cannot find my penis.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
