Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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