my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
