my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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