I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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