If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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