make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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