So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
