If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize