i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
