Just took my morning after pill in the library
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
dude. I can hear the air.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
