she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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