you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
