Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
