i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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