Define "chronic" masturbator.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize