i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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