u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
