we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Found the puke drawer
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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