he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
