I will die if light touches me.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
