When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
