textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
