Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
