Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I AM VODKA MAN
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
