what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
