I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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