I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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