I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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