I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize