it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
