six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
