The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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