Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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