I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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