i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
