i think my tv is drunk
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
