I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
