my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
