So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
